Realization

Realization is an ultimate thing in life. You realize things you haven't noticed before, maybe a clue in a cold case. You can realize that you have won a gold trophy, or realize you've been hurt. Realization is a neutral connotation, where it can be taken as either positive or negative, or somewhere in between. But this blog post is about my most recent realization. By the time you are done reading this, you may have the urge to go back to see how many times I said 'realize' or some sort. Because there will be a lot.

I had realized this earlier, but I didn't allow myself to accept it until the tenth. June tenth, 2013. Around 9:00-ish. Around 11 it got so much worse though. What am I talking about? Friendship.

Or in my case, the lack of it.

I don't have a best friend, I realized.

A best friend is someone who will always pick you over someone else. Someone who trusts you the same way you trust them. I always thought some people were my best friend, but they never thought of me the same way. All the countless weeks, months and years. And they still view me as a friend. Understandable, if you have severe trust issues. But there's a difference between trust issues and keeping the truth away.

I have many good friends, I won't deny it. And I love them for that. Jen, Jenna, Courtney. Cody. Kayden, Hayden, Layslie, Ashie and Shay. All of them from SC.

My closest person to a best friend would definitely be Layslie. But she lives so far away that I hardly get to see her. She is always willing to spend time with me no matter what.

I guess I just want to be someone's first pick. I don't need a boyfriend, I just want a friend that I can relate to. Someone that won't keep things to me. I never knew what it was like to be someone's number one, for no one has ever told me so. And if anyone dares tell me that they are my bestie, that's fucking bullshit. Well. Maybe. If someone tells me, I may realize it.

One of my.. Friends? I should say. I don't know what to call that person. The person would always say how they wished to be someone's number one. Lays and Tiff, you had this problem too. I'm glad I can say it straight to you. The person was my number one. But I was never recognized. Someone else was that persons number one.

That someone else was also my friend. I have been friends with them since the sixth grade. But whenever I'm around them, I can't talk about a thing. If I'm standing next to that someone else, as soon as that person steps in, I'm automatically forgotten, even in mid-conversation.

Fuck my life. Fuck that saying about turtles.

I'm a turtle on my back, and I can't get up. No one cares, and there isn't that one person that cares and flips me back over. For I'm in a desert.

I was left behind.

Because:

No

One

Cares

And that's my realization.

Sure, people care. I know that.

I respect that.

And I thank that.

But no one cares about me.

They care about my problems.

I blame one thing.

K-POP

If it wasn't for this.. Maybe I would still have friends.

Ah what am I saying.

They don't like me because they don't like me.

[ But K-POP is definitely part of it. ]