Suicidal Note;; June 17th 2013

No, this probably isn't a real suicide note. But another part of me has died.

Tonight me and my mother went to tennis, and I worked my hardest on 50 serves, 50 net and 50 forehand and backhand. Everything was jumps and slams. Along with butt tons of running. My mom said that we would go home after yet another 50 serves, so I did. But then I wasn't good enough. I did them again, doing whatever she said. But that wasn't good enough.

Of course it wasn't. I'm never good enough. For anyone.

So I left. I left the lake view courts on the hill to walk home, leaving my mom standing there.

I walked all the way past Chase when she came up behind and fucking slammed her horn like forty times. 

So I got in the car and she bitched all the way home.

I'm not good enough. I can never finish anything. I'm a selfish bitch, that can never finish anything. My brother was better and smarter. Everything I have to deal with knowing in my head, stated again for my sadness. 

My mom is always talking about how she wished she did other things. I don't want to be that when I grow up. I don't want her mistakes. I want a clean record.

Thank you, brother. You have made me strong. You always bowed down to mom. But I knew you were broken. I saw you cry when I was 8. You told me I ruined your life.

And ever since then I vowed to be stronger than my mom. I wanted to ruin her life. For ruining my brothers. For it was I that ruined his life. But my mother was the cause, and the effect. She fights her own words.

If I do cut for the first time tonight, this is the reason.

All of you guys at FS, Saint and Tiray especially, thank you so fucking much. Your words today meant everything. I never get encouraging words, all I get is bad ones.

If my dad compliments me, even to say that I'm pretty today, my mom literally looks at me and says, "Your face is oily, go wash it."

I just wish I was good for something instead of being a useless bitch.

I can't even try out for high school tennis anymore because my mom won't drive me to conditioning..

SC, we always say that the saddest thing we've ever heard, is someone singing while crying. The broken voice as they struggle to hit the right pitches. And as I listen to myself sing 'Blue Lips', I know we are right.