!!!

Olay! So I was checking my blog reports and apparently, the Us is not the only country that views it! I was so amazed when I found people from Russia, Belgium, Canada, the Netherlands and many other countries!! So thank you all so much and please continue to view my blog!

Hollywood by RAC

So, one of my friends, is like.. a music person. If you want a song just go to him. Seriously o-o. Ah, I guess I should dedicate this to a person I know. The accuracy of this song is a bit insane. But it's not depressing at all. It's a fun little hip-swishing summer song. And I love it C:

Note: I will be posting an embed from YouTube with this song. Knowing my blog, it should interrupt with another song. Please scroll to the bottom page to play the song and then scroll back up for the lyrics. I don't want any comments saying, 'Oh, you're talking about me.' Because it's probably not true. This is for someone else.

--
I'm not telling you again, what you need
It's just a slap around.
To make everything stop, and cure the fall.
When you come back around.
I'm not everything you want,
I'm just a tease.

Maybe a matter of touch,
You could tell me what you want, I'll give it to you.
Maybe you think too much,

Cause you're Hollywood, you never should..
We never talk anymore,
With your high heels on,
You kill the sun.
I'm not your friend anymo-o-o-o-o-o-ore..

-Hip swishes-

I'm so sick and tired,
Of everyone telling you what you want..
I could never keep track,
Who's gonna come,
When you start waving your magic wand,
And you seem to forget, everything that you said,
Before you had it written for you,
There's too much going on that you need to belong to,
It's the only thing you know how to do..

Cause you're Hollywood, another world,
You made it all on your own.
With your high heels on,
You kill the sun.
I'm not your friend anymo-o-o-o-o-o-ore..

-Hip swishes still-

You went to Hollywood to make it...

Hollywood, you never should,
We never talk anymore,
With your high heels on,
You kill the sun.
I'm not your friend anymo-o-o-o-o-o-ore,
Not your friend anymore, 
Not your friend anymore, 
Not your friend anymore, 

Not your friend anymore, 
Not your friend anymore, 
Not your friend anymore.

Gone.. Gone... Gone. { PruCan Oneshot }

The following PruCan fanfic is based on a few headcanons that I have found. The major one being that Prussia fade for a few minutes every day and it gets longer and longer. The second is more of a minor one, where Prussia hides his feelings behind fake smiles. The only two that can see behind the smile is his lover and his brother- Germany.

The following oneshot is big on feels. I basically started crying two paragraphs in. This beats my other PruCan story's sadness by over 9,000. It is also copyrighted to myself. The characters belong to the creator of Hetalia, and the song "Gone, Gone, Gone" is by Phillip Phillips.

(The story is in third person, but we mostly only get shots out of how Prussia feels.)

Prussia let out a shaky sigh, right hand in his silver hair. He was fading. He closed his eyes and started counting. When he was done, it was 10 minutes before he came back. The albino swallowed nervously. His eyes watered slightly. He didn't want to go, he didn't want to leave. He had his lover, and- and friends. Even people he would never call his friends, but still were none the less!

A slight knocking at the door and a worried, almost-feminine voice. "Gil?" It questioned. He felt a small wave of sadness. He didn't want to lose that voice. That- That sweet voice that charmed him when he hear it. "Canada, I'll be right out." He felt the Canadian's hesitation. "Gil, are you okay?" 

No! No, I'm not okay! I need to tell you something. In a few weeks I'll be nothing. Not even you will be able to see me! His inside screamed. "I'm fine, birdie," he said confidently. "You worried, mein liebe?" He heard a small chuckle, "I'll make lunch," his lover said gently.

Prussia put on a fake grin and said in a fake hapy tone, "Alright~," But when he heard footsteps walking away he broke down. He slowly fell to his knees and cried, hands over his face. Why did this have to happen. "I don't want to go.." He mumble under his breath. "I can't.." Feeling a slight presence over him he looked up, red eyes widening.

It was Canada, an angel coming to help him. "C-Canada, I think I'm allergic to something in here," he lied. Canada just shook his head. Prussia put on a fake smile, looking dumb with the tears running down his cheeks. Canada gripped his hand lightly. The albino groaned, closing his eyes. Matthew looked at him curiously. "Gil, why are you crying?"

Gilbert took a long time to process. He was crying. He was dying, the end near and he was crying. Not YOLOing things with his best friends. He let out a strangled laugh. Canada looked at him curiously. "Talk, Gilbert." That voice.. So gentle an encouraging, why did no one ever pay attention to Matthew. Gilbert just looked sadly at Mattie. "Gil!!" Canada said, near to tears.

"Dammit Gil! Just tell me what it is!!" Gilbert flinched as Canada spoke, noticing how fast the words were. His lover, nervous and scared. It was his fault, all his fault. "Mattie, I don't want to go!" He whimpered, tears coming faster now.

He barely heard Canada's voice over his crying. "Gil, if you don't have to go somewhere you don't want to.." Gil started laughing, the sound so broken that Matthew felt his own sadness come out. "Liebe, I have to go. Death wants me." Reddish-violet eyes looked into a blueish-purple. Perfect opposites, yet so perfect together. 

He saw the widening of the others eyes. Canada opened his mouth dumbly. "Prussia you aren't going to die soon!! You're so strong!" The smaller man protested, his grip on Prussia's hand nearly deadly. But then suddenly, it was nothing. Canada blinked.

"See!!" Prussia cried, voice broken a long time ago. "I'll be gone in a few weeks!"

Very slowly, tears came from Matthew's eyes as he threw himself at Prussia. He started crying into his chest. "N-No!! You can't be sure yet!!" Was the Canadian's muffled cry.

Gilbert gently ran his hands along the others spine, feeling the different ridges. He needed to remember this feeling. He needed to remember each and every thing about his lover. His boyfriend, his everything.

"I'm sure.. Can we just spend the rest of my days like this? Please? When I go, you need to be by my side." He felt frantic nodding on his chest. Sad indigo eyes looked into his as the Canadian looked up. "Gil, I would never leave you."

Canada started of slowly, "When life leaves you high and dry.. I'll be at your door tonight. If you need help, if you need help.. I'll shut down the city lights. I'll lie, I'll cheat, I'll beg and bribe.. To make you well.. To make you well."

Prussia looked curiously at him, but didn't say anything. He hung onto every word. Every day Canada sung a bit of the song to him.

Everyday, until the day came Prussia could feel the end of it coming. He knew he would fade forever. And never come back. Live on this world, but never be recognized. He couldn't imagine how Canada lived in such similar ways for so long.

Prussia laid on the couch, aware of the Canadian's hand gripping his. Canada started singing, singing all of the parts from all of those days.

"When life leave you high and dry.. I'll be at your door tonight. If you need help, if you need help.. I'll shut down the city lights. I'll lie, I'll cheat, I'll beg and bribe.. To make you well.. To make you well. When enemies are at your door, I'll carry you away from the war. If you need help.. If you need help.. Your hope dangling by a string. I'll share in your suffering, to make you well.. To make you well." Canada's voice cracked, Prussia urging him on.

Canada paused, and Prussia, knowing the song realized by the murmuring that he was modifying the song.

"You gave me reason to believe, that you would do the same for me.. And I'll do it for you, for you.. Gilly, I'm not moving on, I'll love you long after you're gone. Fo you, for you, you'll never sleep alone.. i love you long after your gone, and long after your gone, gone, gone.."

Prussia started to fade, sending Canada in a crazy race to finish the song. He got close to the ending, broken voice slowing. He stopped.

Gilbert opened his mouth. "Canada.. I love you. I want you to know I will always be here, protecting you as best as I can. Do you- do you understand me?"

Canada frantically nodded, crying. His tears fell on his and Prussia's hand. He gripped one hand between the two, holding them close to his chest.

"Finish the song.." Gil muttered.

So Canada did. "I love you long after you are gone. And long after you are gone.. gone... gone.."

Gilbert was only slightly aware of the parting kiss that Canada left him with. He was gone. He saw Canada crumpled up on the floor crying as hard as Prussia thought was possible. How could he have left the most important person in his life like that? He felt the transparent him slip down and hug Canada. Together they cried, one visible, the other not. 

END.

--

Omg I can't breathe. I'm laying down as I type this and my nose is clogged and I can't breathe through it. If you did cry, or even just feel sad, tell me where it started and how the rest of the story was. Emotionally and literately. This took about  45 minutes. I will put up the song on this fanfiction soon. Oh god.. I found this so sad. I guess because my worst fear is being forgotten or replaced. This story got real close to home. Some of you know what happened to my first boyfriend, and some of you don't. I don't want to talk about it, but this was practically exactly what happened. Except I didn't get a warning. I wish myself, Canada and Prussia the best of luck.

--

Epilogue;; Canada

Canada cried, but his cries stopped after feeling a presence around him. "Prussia..." He murmured, crying. "Prussia I miss you!! Why did you take him?!" He screamed, yelling up at whatever was up there. "Why do I get to keep going?! I don't want to keep going if he isn't there?!" Canada started crying again, too tired and sad to be angry.

--

Optional ending.

If you want this story to end like that, stop reading after this paragraph. This next part is basically the good ending. I couldn't stand this. Not at all. No. I won't allow it. But this part will ruin the feels of this story. And also the point. Perhaps you should quit and come back tomorrow. That way you can let the real story sink in. Anyway, here it is.

--

After he calmed down a bit, his rage down but his sadness still there, he turned. The presence. "Gil?" He said weakly.

But a voice came back. A broken.. So broken voice. "Mattie, I'm so sorry I had to leave I wish I was there- I wish I never-"

"GIL!!" Canada screamed, "GIL I CAN HEAR YOU!!" Canada looked around frantically, able to get up. The presence wasn't next to him. "Gil?"

"C-Canada.." A voice behind him. Canada turned, and he saw something. Something he never thought he would see again. His lover, Gilbert.

Canada cried more, running into Gilbert's arms like a child into his mothers. Gilbert hesitantly wrapped his arms around Canada, unsure himself.

"M-Mattie, they let me come back.. On two conditions.."

Canada looked up at Gilbert suddenly, urging him to continue. 

"No one.. But you can see me.. And.. I have to stay with you forever." It was clear he made the second part up, but Canada felt himself choke.

"Y-You did that for me?" Canada said softly.

"I would rather lose anything and everything than to lose you.." He murmured softly. Canada started crying harder, eyes and cheeks red and wet.

Prussia said softly and slowly. "Will you love me if I'm still here, here, here?"

Canada smiled through his tears, "Of course." Canada was surprised when he got gently pushed away.

Prussia slowly knelt on the floor, pulling out a small box from his pocket. He opened it, revealing a ring. A simple one, silver. "Will you marry me?"

Canada's eyes widened in shock. "Yes! Yes!" He cried.

Prussia got up and kissed Canada gently, withdrawing after a while. "I-I was going to ask you earlier, b-because Y-YOLO, but I didn't want us to be even sadder w-when I.."

Canada quickly placed a finger over Prussia's lips. "Don't say it. I love you, we're married, s-so lets not be sad." He said, even though he was crying. They hugged each other until both of their tears stopped.

--

THERE.

I'm crying way too much for this.

Goddammit! Morning why did you let me go along with this..

I love this so much at the same time though. To me it's a really heart-felt story. Then again, I wrote it. So yeah! Please write me a huge comment talking about how this story affected you. If you need help, here. Fill out everything. Anything with an *'s is optional.

What headcanons did I use?:

Did you cry?:

Where did you start crying?*:

Did you ever stop crying?*:

Did you automatically go to the happy ending?:

Are you glad that I did the happy ending?:

Would you have preferred the story without the happy ending?

Rate this story out of 10 (10 being the greatest) and please explain why:

Beta!!

Okay so as some of you know, I'm a beta tester for this one website. It's not open yet to the public but I'm super excited. I edit it practically every day, and it should be done by mid-July!!

Site editing is so much difficult and it's also real annoying but I landed it and I'm rocking it.

Suicidal Note;; June 17th 2013

No, this probably isn't a real suicide note. But another part of me has died.

Tonight me and my mother went to tennis, and I worked my hardest on 50 serves, 50 net and 50 forehand and backhand. Everything was jumps and slams. Along with butt tons of running. My mom said that we would go home after yet another 50 serves, so I did. But then I wasn't good enough. I did them again, doing whatever she said. But that wasn't good enough.

Of course it wasn't. I'm never good enough. For anyone.

So I left. I left the lake view courts on the hill to walk home, leaving my mom standing there.

I walked all the way past Chase when she came up behind and fucking slammed her horn like forty times. 

So I got in the car and she bitched all the way home.

I'm not good enough. I can never finish anything. I'm a selfish bitch, that can never finish anything. My brother was better and smarter. Everything I have to deal with knowing in my head, stated again for my sadness. 

My mom is always talking about how she wished she did other things. I don't want to be that when I grow up. I don't want her mistakes. I want a clean record.

Thank you, brother. You have made me strong. You always bowed down to mom. But I knew you were broken. I saw you cry when I was 8. You told me I ruined your life.

And ever since then I vowed to be stronger than my mom. I wanted to ruin her life. For ruining my brothers. For it was I that ruined his life. But my mother was the cause, and the effect. She fights her own words.

If I do cut for the first time tonight, this is the reason.

All of you guys at FS, Saint and Tiray especially, thank you so fucking much. Your words today meant everything. I never get encouraging words, all I get is bad ones.

If my dad compliments me, even to say that I'm pretty today, my mom literally looks at me and says, "Your face is oily, go wash it."

I just wish I was good for something instead of being a useless bitch.

I can't even try out for high school tennis anymore because my mom won't drive me to conditioning..

SC, we always say that the saddest thing we've ever heard, is someone singing while crying. The broken voice as they struggle to hit the right pitches. And as I listen to myself sing 'Blue Lips', I know we are right.

For Those People

Acknowledgements:

For those who love Asian Tea.

For those who taught me,

For those who educated me,

For my homes now.

For my first boyfriend,

For my oldest friend, my sister-in-law.

For my hubby.

And last but definitely the least,

The one woman that got me to all of these places.

Thank you, Ars.

Asian Tea, God, I miss you guys so much. Especially you, LinhTran.

For all of those who walk the night with silver roses, you guys taught me so much. Fucking love you guys, and though most of you are in FS, some of you aren't. I love you equally.

Those at ST, You completely taught me everything about roleplay details and that shit, that came off of what I learned at the place mentioned above.

Last night at FS, so many of you were so nice to me. I never expected anything like that from either of you, but I guess that was a dumb assumption. Everyone has that kind of part in them. I'm so glad that I'm here.

SC, At first I made this place just as a singing/dancing/both club just for fun, but you guys are so supporting. Not just for me but for everyone else. I wish we could get together more, but there's reasons for that.

Morgan, I would do anything to bring you back, you know that. I hope. You make me strong, and smart. I'm willing to fill in the place that you left, but I think it's better for everyone to remember you.

Courts, you have no idea how much you and Cody have helped me. You guys make me realize that there is always something else that I can do, some new thing to win. That someone always has it worse, and that not all people in Canada say 'eh'. You guys have made me laughed until I cried, and changed my crying to laughter. Courtney, I wish that you lived here, or better, I lived close to you. You would be the bestest person in my entire world. I wish that we could talk more, and fuck I'm crying during this. But fuck that shit. Maybe you will teach me how to ride horses in the next life. That certainly is something I want to do. Along with driving an ATV.

Ars, you have no idea what you have done with me. When Unwritten left me, and I found you in those wolfhome chats, I never expected this would happen. I entered simply because, "Oh yeah, I know this person!". But I'm so glad I did. You led me to my very first human-ish pack, and though you may regret it, its the best place I've ever been. You are an amazing person, Arsyia. Never forget that.

Rose, I'm adding you because I feel like you'll be like 'WHERE'S MY DEDICATION YOU BITCH HOE'. WELL HERE IT IS, BIATCH. Rose, you are so strong. I don't know about you that well, but I think I know enough to figure that you have problems. Because everyone does. Never let these get you down, or else I will poke you with a toothpick. Thanks for all the cookies and the very late birthday cake.

Gonna Get Over You by Sara Bareilles

Goodbye, Should be sayin' that to you by now, shouldn't I? 
Layin' down the law the I live by .. Maybe next time 

I've got a thick tongue, Brimming with the words that go unsung 
Simmer then the burn for someone, The wrong one 

I tell myself to let the story end, My heart will rest in someone else's hand 
My 'why not me?' philosophy began, And I say 


[Chorus] 
Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you? 
I'll be alright, just not tonight, 
Someday, heyyyy I wish you'd want me to stay 
I'll be alright, just not tonight, 
Someday 

Maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me,

 Keep me when I'm hurting you make me, 
Hang from your hands,

No more, 
I won't beg to buy a shot at your back door, If I acing it at the thought of you, what for? 
That's not me anymore,
(actually it is but this is like my favorite song right now so lets just go with it) 

I'm not the girl that I intend to be, 




I dare you darling, just you wait and see, 




But this time not for you but just for me, 


And I say, 
[Chorus] 
Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you? 
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday, heyyyy I wish you'd want me to stay 
I'll be alright, just not tonight, 

Someday, say it's coming soon, 
Someday, without you, 
All I can do, 
Is to get over pass the ghost of you, 
Wave goodbye to me,

Won't say I'm sorry,
I'll be alright,
Once I find the other side of someday,

Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you? 
I'll be alright, just not tonight 
Someday, heyyy I wish you'd want me to stay 
I'll be alright, just not tonight, 
Someday..

Sara Bareilles - Gonna Get Over You Mp3
   
The ending though. xD

I Guess This Is Why It All Goes Wrong.

I HATE WRITING CAPITAL LETTERS FOR EVERY WORD BUT I THINK THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SPODA DO.

I never left you, that's for sure. I was always willing to make you number one, forgetting about most of my friends just to commit to you. If you are going to make a blog because you finished reading mine, leave a comment. Okay?

DERP, you were never third wheel when I was around.
You may've been third wheel because of DERP and DERP together, but never around me.
That's the way I felt.

I'm always so willing to hang out with you guys, but I either can't or you guys are busy.
I would do anything to fucking hang out with you guys. To understand KPOP so that way you guys won't push me out of the conversation.

And yes, I have expectations of you. I expect you to be a good student and good celloist because you work hard. You have it in you to do well. But you just haven't unlocked it yet.

You said that your mom never pushes you to do good work, or something similar. Well, here I am DERP, wanting you to do better, wanting you to excel. Wanting to go to college and become the job you want.

All I hear every day is how badly my mom wants a job that she likes. But she was unable to get it because her family was poor and couldn't get into college and she didn't get a full scholarship. She went to night school for 6 years, and still, can only get a job at the Postal Service. She cuts her fingers all day, and never even gets to sit down. Her boss is the most frustrating person she has ever met.

I just want all of my friends to have the good life. Yes, I pressure them. But it's only because I don't want them to be sad.

--
Obviously I censored out names because DERP.

Oh well, fuck me D:

My iPod cable doesn't work!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,

aaahhh.

Well what was it good for?
Never got free wifi.
Besides, I got the computer.
The computer is my biatch.

So I made a post on my iPod, Like I do every night when I don't have wifi.
I planned to upload it today but alas, my iPod is liek dead.

GOOD BYE INSTAGRAM.
AND KIK.
HOLY CRAP I'LL MISS YOU.
And Happy Street..
*sniff*

But fahk dat shat, I got TFM and and. FS, and and C:
Yeeeeeeeeeh..

OMG I WON'T BE ABLE TO TALK TO KOURTNEY
-drowns-

Realization

Realization is an ultimate thing in life. You realize things you haven't noticed before, maybe a clue in a cold case. You can realize that you have won a gold trophy, or realize you've been hurt. Realization is a neutral connotation, where it can be taken as either positive or negative, or somewhere in between. But this blog post is about my most recent realization. By the time you are done reading this, you may have the urge to go back to see how many times I said 'realize' or some sort. Because there will be a lot.

I had realized this earlier, but I didn't allow myself to accept it until the tenth. June tenth, 2013. Around 9:00-ish. Around 11 it got so much worse though. What am I talking about? Friendship.

Or in my case, the lack of it.

I don't have a best friend, I realized.

A best friend is someone who will always pick you over someone else. Someone who trusts you the same way you trust them. I always thought some people were my best friend, but they never thought of me the same way. All the countless weeks, months and years. And they still view me as a friend. Understandable, if you have severe trust issues. But there's a difference between trust issues and keeping the truth away.

I have many good friends, I won't deny it. And I love them for that. Jen, Jenna, Courtney. Cody. Kayden, Hayden, Layslie, Ashie and Shay. All of them from SC.

My closest person to a best friend would definitely be Layslie. But she lives so far away that I hardly get to see her. She is always willing to spend time with me no matter what.

I guess I just want to be someone's first pick. I don't need a boyfriend, I just want a friend that I can relate to. Someone that won't keep things to me. I never knew what it was like to be someone's number one, for no one has ever told me so. And if anyone dares tell me that they are my bestie, that's fucking bullshit. Well. Maybe. If someone tells me, I may realize it.

One of my.. Friends? I should say. I don't know what to call that person. The person would always say how they wished to be someone's number one. Lays and Tiff, you had this problem too. I'm glad I can say it straight to you. The person was my number one. But I was never recognized. Someone else was that persons number one.

That someone else was also my friend. I have been friends with them since the sixth grade. But whenever I'm around them, I can't talk about a thing. If I'm standing next to that someone else, as soon as that person steps in, I'm automatically forgotten, even in mid-conversation.

Fuck my life. Fuck that saying about turtles.

I'm a turtle on my back, and I can't get up. No one cares, and there isn't that one person that cares and flips me back over. For I'm in a desert.

I was left behind.

Because:

No

One

Cares

And that's my realization.

Sure, people care. I know that.

I respect that.

And I thank that.

But no one cares about me.

They care about my problems.

I blame one thing.

K-POP

If it wasn't for this.. Maybe I would still have friends.

Ah what am I saying.

They don't like me because they don't like me.

[ But K-POP is definitely part of it. ]

Soulmate

As I have said before, a soulmate is not necessarily a spouse or a girlfriend/boyfriend. In my mind, a soulmate is the perfect companion for your soul. A friend, a family member or even someone you don't know. However, many, many soul mates ARE the 'significant other'. Of course, I have different requirements for each. But for now, let me talk about my "perfect" boyfriend. 

He would have to have a good sense of humor- whether sarcastic or genuinely friendly. He would have to get along with more than 75% of my friends. He would also have to be somewhat intelligent. He has to be understanding and accepting. Since I'm an Aries-Taurus I often rush into things and I want him to take things slow. If I lash out, I want him to be calm and not yell back- which is difficult for anyone, not just males. He has to trust me, and I have to trust him. I also have to like his personality, which would probably be something like: kind, caring, slightly overprotective. He has to be open minded.

It would seriously help if he had good looks, was athletic OR musical. GENERAL TIP: Guys, girls love it when you are all sweet with little kids! By the way, hoodies are so cute- but no hands in the pockets!! Put your middle three fingers in either your front or back pockets.

Um, he can't be a hypocrite. No way am I spending any of my life willingly with another one. Jeez, I get enough from my mom. HE CAN'T BE CLOSED-MINDED!! I hate it when people aren't able to think about others or think about different points of view!

So, yeah, I'm picky. But honestly, I know one or two guys that fill these requirements. But seriously, hot damn I'm picky.

Hmm.

Well, please go and subscribe to my YouTube channel, PursuePolaris.